The Mysteries of Twilight: A Parody
by beautyfrompain
Summary: What happens when my first hatefic turns into a talk show? Pedophiles, pyromaniacs, The Muffin Song, evil crumpets, Magic8 balls, Mary Sues that play the part of the other woman, craziness, tasering, endless bashing of Twilight, and more, that's what!
1. Is Meyer Crazier Than We Think?

_**Summary: What happens when my first hate fic turns into a talk show? Pedophiles, pyromaniacs, The Muffin Song, Mary Sues that play the part of the other woman, craziness, tasering, endless bashing of Twilight, and more, that's what!**_

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*theme music*

_**Live from Alesha's bedroom...**_

**beautyfrompain: **Goood morning, Fan Fiction! Welcome to my talk show, in which I will shamelessly bag and poke fun at Twilight!

**Kaitlynne: **It's her first parody, too.

**beautyfrompain: **Shut up. Here is my obedient ***glares at Kaitlynne* **co-host, and best friend, Kaitlynne!

**Kaitlynne:*waves at crowd***

**beautyfrompain: **And we're here because, well, we hate Twilight! Also, the Author thought she would get great amusement out of us.

**Kaitlynne: **True dat, my homie!

**beautyfrompain:*slaps the shit out of co-host * **What did I tell you about getting ghetto on me?

**Kaitlynne: O.O | T_T**

**beautyfrompain:** You're just lucky that my taser broke yesterday. Anyway, if you're one of those weird people who love Twilight_, _**(1)** then don't read this. Because if you flame my story, I won't give a damn, unless I know you. Anyway, where do I start?

**Kaitlynne**: Start at the part where you were blissfully unaware.

**beautyfrompain**: She means back when I loved Twilight. Yes, once I loved the stupid series. Of course, I then came to my senses, as I wish the rest of the world would. You see, the day before I came upon the book called Twilight, I was abducted by aliens and put under powerful hypnotism that would make me infatuated for the next two years with the next stupid book I found out about.

**Kaitlynne**: Unfortunately, the next book she saw was the New York Bestselling Novel by Stephanie Meyer.

**beautyfrompain**: And my ex-friend, who showed me Twilight (may she be forever cursed by seeing High School Musical on an infinite loop in the back of her mind), loved it too. So for the next two years, we were infatuated.

**Kaitlynne**: beautyfrompain read the books twice.

**beautyfrompain**: Yes, and now I have not only been manipulated by batshit insane aliens, but now know everything about the Twilight books by heart.

**Kaitlynne**: It's a terrible disease, which has been diagnosed by her therapist to be Twilight-is-so-insane-that-it-will-forever-be-branded-into-the-brain-itis, of which the effects had been tripled by the aliens.

**beautyfrompain: **And the only known cure is to sing The Muffin song seven hundred and thirty-four times straight, without messing up once, and while in a coma, something I will gratefully do when I complete this show on why I hate Twilight so much.

**Kaitlynne: **For all of our terribly ignorant audience, what _is _The Muffin Song?

**Terribly Ignorant Audience Member #5783: **Yeah, what _is _this muffin song you speak of?

**beautyfrompain:*gets evil glint in her eye* **I _would _taser you for that, but I have yet to get a new one, so I'll just sing you the damn muffin song. Kaitlynne?

**Both co-hosts: *breathes in deeply* **Oooooh, Evil Muffins; Demon Muffins; Happy Muffins; Sucky Muffins; Crappy Muffins; Scary muffins, Preppy Muffins; SUPER MUFFINS! Hard Muffins, Soft muffins, Cheesy Muffins, Icy-Chill Muffins, GOOOOOD MUFFINS; BAAAAAD MUFFINS; Hairy Muffins; Fairy muffins, BIG MUFFINS; Talking muffins, Walking muffins, Stalking muffins, Clocking Muffins ***holds up muffin with watch jammed in it***, ALIEN MUFFINS; Very BERRY CHERRY MERRILY MARRIED MUFFINS! Hopping muffins, popping muffins, omelet muffins, Stuffy Snappy Whoppy Muffins, CRAZY MUFFINS, Muffled muffins, MUTANT PLOT MUFFINS! Corrupted muffins, Coolio muffins, Crazy Undercover Detective muffins, Vampire muffins that like to suck the blood out of the human muffins, Awesome muffins, Boring muffins, Creepy muffins, Dirty muffins, Slomping muffins that also like to stomp, Unwillingly Frozen muffins, Suicidal muffins; Speeding Muffins, Police Officer muffins that give the speeding muffins tickets, FLAMING MUFFINS; Vampire muffins, TIME TRAVELING MUFFINS!

***Now Informed Audience heartily claps and screams***

**beautyfrompain:*sighs* **Don't you just _loooove _The Muffin Song?

**Kaitlynne: **Anyway, we're getting a little off topic here. So, without further ado, we shall tell you _wy _Twilight is dumb.

**beautyfrompain:*chuckles darkly*** As if you didn't already know...

**Kaitlynne: O.o**

**beautyfrompain: **What? I'm not that scary. ***follows gaze, then face lights up* **Oh.

**Innocent Delivery Boy: **Um, excuse me, missus, I'm here with the daily delivery of-

**Co-hosts: **MUFFINS! ***jumps delivery boy to get to muffins***

***Innocent Delivery Boys manages to get out not mortally damaged, but still very sore and bruised, before running off into the sunset, literally scared out of his pants.***

**Kaitlynne:*while eating a blueberry muffin* **Wow. He forgot his pants. Who should we send after him?

**beautyfrompain: *happily munching on chocolate muffin* **Leave it. He's too scared to notice, and he won't for a long time. Besides, we have our muffins.

***both flash smiles at the screen while audience wonders after their mental health***

**Kaitlynne:*darkly* **I hope none of them are evil...

**beautyfrompain: **Anyway, the flaws of Twilight, where to begin...

**Kaitlynne: **I really don't know. I mean, there's so many... Oh, how about the main characters, for one.

**beautyfrompain: **Edward and Bella? Oh yes. Well, for one, let's start at the roots of their relationshit, and their origin, which the whole series focuses on...

**Kaitlynne: **He's a vampire, she's human, he thirsts for her blood, she's stupid enough to trust him. Not only that, but Edward is dense and abusive. He never lets her near her friends, and he makes her follow his every whim to the letter.

**beautyfrompain: **Now does that make _any _sense to you? "Hey, you look tasty! I'm a vampire, and I thirst for your blood. You shouldn't trust me, and I tell you this a million times, but hey, I've got a bright idea! Let's be friends!" "Oh, cool, you sparkle and look pretty yummy yourself; let's be BFFFLs!" I'm not exaggerating that much here, people!

**Kaitlynne: **Really! I mean, leaving out some stuff, that's basically what the first three books are about. The fourth is mostly awkward sex, unusual babies, and a badly-written almost-battle. And that different species stuff is mostly ignored by everyone because "they're in love" and "he's been waiting for a century for someone to like her". Doesn't that say anything to you, people, that he's waited a CENTURY?

**beautyfrompain**: And he claims that he's gone that whole time being a virgin. Now is that even possible? I mean think about it. He's forever seventeen, the age in which raging hormones are most widely ... acted upon. Now, you're in that position forever. Raging hormones. For a century. You even pass up the hot blonde Tanya chic, who was more than willing. All the other girls would die to even have a whack at you. And you refuse. And then still go another two years, waiting to have sex with a human because, oh, she's 'too fragile'!

**Kaitlynne**: Either Edward is gay, or he's a liar. A lying liar who lies a lot.

**beautyfrompain**: Second- age. Really? He's years, a century, older.

**Kaitlynne**: Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep Beep **BeepBeepBeepBeepBeeeep! *explodes***

**beautyfrompain**: What the hell was that?

**Kaitlynne**: Oh, that? That was just my pedophilia meter. And well, at the mention of Twilight, it just exploded!

**beautyfrompain**: Well, there you have it, folks. Even though Edward still has the appearance of a seventeen year old and he might be all dreamy and everything, he is at least a hundred years older than her and therefore, a pedophile. It's sort of like lusting after your grandpa.

**Angry Deluded Twilight Fangirls:*boos and try to overrun the stage and co-hosts***

**Kaitlynne:*snorts at them with contempt*** Well, I'm _sorry_ if the truth hurts!

**Angry Deluded Twilight Fangirl #5894: **Well, sorry doesn't cut it, bitch!

**Guard:*grabs Angry Deluded Twilight Fangirl #5894 and guides her off the stage***

**Kaitlynne: **Hmm, that whole century-age-difference-one-is-immortal-the-other-human-and-in-love-with-the-other bit sound familiar, I wonder where I've heard that before? **(2)**

***both immediately think of the Inheritance Cycle, particularly the second book***

**beautyfrompain: **Oh, yeah, that's where! Let's see, what else is terribly stupid about Twilight?

**Kaitlynne: **Everything, but that's beside the point. Well, the first few hundred pages are dedicated to flowery adjectives and their dysfunctional relationship. Then a vampire with good sense tries to kill Bella and suck her dry, an act that Edward was horribly incapable of. He lures her to a dance studio with the lie that he has her mother and will kill her if she doesn't come (hmmm, maybe that problem would be resolved if she had tried calling either Phil, her stepfather, or Renee to back that story up?), almost kills her before Edward saves her and the world can be spared.

**beautyfrompain: **All because Bella trusts him instead of staying away from him. Now, does that make any sense? Even on the back of the book, she admits that there is a part of Edward that thirsts for her blood, and that she doesn't know how dominant that part of him may be.

**Kaitlynne: **In other words, she hates her life and is on a suicide mission by loving a vampire that is hungry for her.

**beautyfrompain: **And even Edward, who wants to suck her dry, tells her how stupid she is. And I really hate to quote Twilight, and it just might kill me, but as Edward said himself, 'The lion fell in love with the lamb'. And yes, that was a very stupid lamb. One day she's going to wake up as nothing more than a dead carcass, her blood on Edward's lips and in his frozen digestive system.

**Kaitlynne: **What a silly, silly lamb. And then, the Cullen family does nothing to stop this weird relationship from happening. It's like a group of starving whales befriending a piece of overly temping kelp. Weird.

**beautyfrompain: **And totally irrational. I mean, Bella's whiny, stupid, annoying, plain, overly pale, clingy, whiny, stupid, crazy (she was hearing voices in her head, for crying out loud!), gullible, naive, and totally oblivious. But if you're into that sort of stuff, then yeah, who _would_ want to kill her? I dare say Edward could do better.

**Kaitlynne**: Let's get Edward's opinion!

**beautyfrompain: **But how in hell are we going to do that? He's (hopefully) just a fictional character!

**Kaitlynne:*grinning evilly* **Let's just say that I have certain powers that could drag him here by force from Meyer's mind.

**beautyfrompain: **Sounds good to me. But we'll have to do that next time, because our time will be up soon.

**Kaitlynne: **Too bad. I was really looking forward to slapping the shit out of those Twilight characters.

**beautyfrompain: **That's okay, because that means that I can buy a new taser first!

***both co-hosts laugh evilly while everyone near slowly backs away***

**Stupid Camera Guy That Doesn't Value His Life Enough To Just Shut Up And Back Away: **Um, hey! You're still on live!

***co-hosts abruptly stop laughing an glare at camera guy until he finally gets the sense to run away***

**beautyfrompain:** Anyway, we're out of time for today!

**Kaitlynne: **So remember kids, Edwards a pedophile, Twilight's a waste of money, do NOT jump off a cliff in the middle of a storm to hear a pretty little voice inside your head, and drugs are bad for you.

**Kaitlynne and beautyfrompain: **See you next time!

_***theme music***_

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**(1): In which case, I pity you. I pity you a lot.**

**(2) *COUGH COUGH* THE INHERITANCE CYCLE *COUGH***

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_**A/N: Yeah, so that was the first chapter. Here I give Sarcastic Ninja her props for creating the Muffin Song. Reviews, please, or I shall unleash my evil muffins on you.**_


	2. Tasers, Cheaters, and Mary Sues

***theme music***

_**Live from Alesha's bedroom...**_

**beautyfrompain: **Hello again! We are here more refreshed, crazier, and back with a properly working taser!

**Kaitlynne:*grins and holds up taser***

**beautyfrompain: **The first person that we will drag here today is Edward Cullen, the widely known vampire from the depths of Meyer's mind.

**Kaitlynne: **Right now Meyer happens to be asleep, so she won't miss him.

**beautyfrompain: **Will you do the honors? My fingers are a-itchin' to do some tasering.

***Kaitlynne stands up, turns around twice with her eyes closed, and ends up pointing to the futon in from of the co-hosts, where an Edward that looks nothing like Robert Pattinson appears in a puff of smoke a few seconds later***

**Kaitlynne:*opens her eyes*** Well, it sure looks like we caught you in a very...intimate moment. _**(**__**1)**_

**beautyfrompain: **Um, I call that cheating. Hey, Sue, what does it feel like to be the other woman?

**Mary Sue: **Hello. My name is Daisietta Annionette Puppy Viannonetta Unicorn Mandiatiana Hanniannata Madrion Beatalate, and I am a Mary Sue! Look at my big blue manga eyes and pretty black hair with dark blue ends that are totally natural! Look at my beautifully toned skin that I was born naturally with! Hear my perfectly pitched vocal chords that make such a beautiful pitch when I sing that everyone cries when they hear it! See my perfect fighting skills! Watch how perfectly co-ordinated I am! Watch me dance so beautifully! Hear my sad story about how everyone hates me because I so much better than them! Look at my big, beautiful b-

**Kaitlynne: **Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it, you're a Mary Sue. But you do know that he's married, right?

**Daisietta The Mary Sue: **But Eddiepoobear, you told me that you were single!

**beautyfrompain: **Okay, I've had enough of this. The Sue has got to go! ***shoots Mary Sue unmercifully with taser***

**Mary Sue Whose Name I'm Too Lazy To Write Down: X.X**

**Kaitlynne: **Now that the annoyance is knocked out quite thoroughly, let's ask Edward a few questions, shall we? This is the lightning round. We ask questions, you answer them as quickly as possible. No ahs, uhs, ohs, or long pauses. Oh, and you have to answer the question in under three seconds or we will release your hordes of fangirls onto you. No repeats. Go!

**beautyfrompain: **Why did you cheat on Bella?

**Edward: **Because she's a weak, gullible sissy, and I'm too good for her.

**beautyfrompain: **If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?

**Edward: **Anywhere but here.

**beautyfrompain: **What do you think of Twilight!

**Edward: **Everything in it is shit.

**beautyfrompain: **Hallelujah. How did Meyer get you to star in Twilight?

**Edward: **She kidnapped me and threatened to cut off my balls if I refused.

**beautyfrompain:** Do you like muffins?

**Edward: **No, they're just ugly cupcakes.

**beautyfrompain: **Muffin hater! If you were on a deserted island in the middle of the Bermuda triangle, and you were running from a bunch of rabid apes three times the size of King Kong, wearing frilly bikinis, and you had to defeat them with the book The Last Olympian, a wimpy string bean, and a broken taser, and you had the option of just picking a perfectly good tranquilizer from the tranquilizer palm tree on the beach only thirty yards away from you, and you were wearing nothing but a ripped up cha-cha dress, and it was a hundred and twenty three degrees on the beach, what would your favorite number be?

**Edward: **Um, what? Could you repeat that?

**beautyfrompain: **Wrong! It would be three hundred and two. I hope you like fangirls!

**Edward, on futon, dropping into a magically appearing hole to waiting, screaming fangirls: **Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

**Kaitlynne: **Thanks for playing!

**Mary Sue:*wakes up groggy* **Where am I?

**beautyfrompain:*tasers Mary Sue again until she falls once** **more into unconsciousness***

**Mary Sue: X.X**

**beautyfrompain: **So what do we do now?

**Kaitlynne:*shrugs* **Break?

**beautyfrompain: **We're going on a break, people. We might be back after the commercial. Maybe.

_***cuts to commercial***_

**beautyfrompain: **We're baaaaaaaaack.

***Edward runs back onto stage, clothes ripped, hair mussed, and face scratched***

**Kaitlynne: **And apparently, so is Edward.

**Edward: **Wow, those fangirls are vicious.

**beautyfrompain: **Anyway, sit down.

***Edward cautiously does so, avoiding the re-appearing futon***

**Kaitlynne: **It's time for more questions!

***Edward tries to make a break for it, but guard pulls him back.***

**beautyfrompain: **So...you're gay, huh?

**Edward:*face turns red* **No! Absolutely not! Why would I be gay? No way. I'm sorry, you're mistaken.

**beautyfrompain: **Methinks thou art protesting too much...

**Kaitlynne: **It's okay. You don't have to deny it. We all know. We have incriminating footage. Plus, even if you are a vamp, there's not really any reason to glitter under the harsh glare of the stage lights. So obviously body glitter.

**Edward: **No. I'm straight.

**beautyfrompain:*snickers* **Ooooh, the pretty pansy, chisled-features-body-of-stone-glittery-diamond-oh-so-strong-mindreading Eddiepoobear the vampire is gay!

**Edward: **I'm not gay!

**Millions of Upset Fangirls: **Nooooooooooooo!

***Upset Fangirl #7496226 falls out of hole in the ceiling right next to Edward's chair***

**Upset Fangirl #7496226: **Fight it, Eddiepoo! You can fight your feelings!

**Edward: **For the last time, I'm not gay!

**beautyfrompain:*tasers Upset Fangirl #7496226* **No fangirls on the stage during shooting hours!

**Upset Fangirl #7496226: X.X**

**Kaitlynne: **So...Edward. Are you aware of the many fanfics that feature you and someone else participating in some sort of weird slash pairing?

**Edward:*cringes* **No, I wasn't. And I was glad to be oblivious. Can I leave now?

**beautyfrompain: **No. Did you like the movie that they made out of Twilight?

**Edward: **Why would I? It's just another strip of my dignity gone.

**beautyfrompain: **Well, what do ya know? This vamp actually has some sense.

**Kaitlynne: **Are you immune to tasers?

**Edward: O.o **Uh, not that I know of. Why?

**beautyfrompain: **Excellent. ***tasers Edward***

**Edward: **Ooooooooow! **X.X**

**beautyfrompain:*pats taser lovingly* **Ah, yes. I do love my taser.

**Kaitlynne: **But now our guest is unconscious. What are we going to do with his body? Show's almost over.

**beautyfrompain:*gets evil glint in her eye and whispers in Kaitlynne's ear.***

**Kaitlynne: **Alrightee then. For the next three hours, we are selling time with Edward's body. Ten dollars every fifteen minutes post-taser, twenty awake. Do what you will during that time. You can pay in the lounge.

***almost every female in the audience (and even some males) run for the lounge***

**beautyfrompain: **Next time, we will bring in wimpy vampire Bella. Until then, remember kids, don't cheat on your wives with Mary Sues. Or any other type of person. Unless they're wimpy and gullible.

**beautyfrompain and Kaitlynne:*both co-hosts wave at screen* **See ya!

_***theme music***_

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_**(1): And by intimate we mean that Edward had his tongue stuck down the throat of a very...busty Mary Sue.**_


	3. The Power of the Spineless

***theme music* **

**Live from Alesha's bedroom.....**

**beautyfrompain: **Hello, audience! I'm beautyfrompain!

**Kaitlynne: **And I'm Kaitlynne!

**beautyfrompain: **She's Kaitlynne!

**Kaitlynne: **And she's beautyfrompain!

**beautyfrompain: **Hold up! Why are we copying iCarly? I hate that show!

**Kaitlynne: **I have no idea. Anyway, today we will be bringing in Bella, the wimpy vampire.

**beautyfrompain:*says creepily while rubbing taser* **Ah, yes. I've been waiting for this day for a loooooong time....

**Kaitlynne: **Well, uh, okay then, we wouldn't want to disrupt your torturing.....I mean fun.

**beautyfrompain:*impatiently* **Well? Get on with it!

**Kaitlynne: **Fine.

***Kaitlynne turns around five times and ends up pointing to a corner of the stage, where Bella appears a few seconds later***

**Bella:*confused* **What? Where am I? Eddiekins! Where are you?

**Kaitlynne: **Oh, and speaking of Eddiekins, we are still holding him hostage.

**Bella: **What?! Where have you taken my Eddiepoo!

**beautyfrompain: **Ah, yes, your gay husband has made us very, very rich.

**Bella: **Who, my Eddiepoobear? He's not gay. He's as straight as a stick!

**Kaitlynne: **Yeah, but only around men!

**Bella: O.O**

**beautyfrompain: **As much as that makes me want to snicker, we can't have sexual orientation innuendo on the show.

**Kaitlynne: **But why not?!

**Bella: **Wait, what happened again?

**Kaitlynne: **Oh, don't you go worrying your wimpy little head about it. Sit down.

***Bella sits down of futon***

**beautyfrompain: **Now, tell me, why did you choose that futon?

**Bella: **Because I could smell Eddiekin's scent lingering on it.

**beautyfrompain: **Wow, that's creepy.

**Kaitlynne: **You got that right.

**Bella: **Why am I here again! I want Eddiepoo!

**Kaitlynne: **You're here because we feel like torturing you and holding you hostage. And _we _ask the questions here! Are you aware of the many fics that starr you and another female having some kind of.....moment?

**Bella: **What kind of moment? With who?

***Kaitlynn whispers in Bella's ear for a moment***

**Bella: O.O *shudders* **No, I wasn't aware of that. Need you have ruined my peace? And besides, I only have eyes for my Eddiepoobearkinns! He's my love, my only, my soul mate, my lover, my mate for the rest of eternity, my-

**beautyfrompain: **Yeah, yeah. We've all heard it before. Unfortunately, that's not what the fics suggest. Are you also aware of the many fics, way more existent than the ones featuring you, that involve your 'Eddiebear' in some weird slash pairing?

**Bella: **_What_!

**beautyfrompain: **It's true.

**Kaitlynne: **How did you come to know Meyer?

**Bella: **Meyer? Who's Meyer?

**beautyfrompain: **You know. Stephenie Meyer......?

**Bella:** I have never heard of this Stephanie Meyer you speak of.

**Kaitlynne: *holds up picture* **She looks like this.

**Bella: **Never seen her.

**beautyfrompain:**Okay, so either mind control, short-term memory, or something else horribly creepy. And what's with the weird nicknames?

**Kaitlynne: **Never mind that. It's time for lightning round.

**Bella: **Lightning whoda?

**Kaitlynne: **We ask questions, and you answer as quickly as possible, and you only have three seconds to do it. No repeats, ahs, ohs, ums, hmmms, hemming, hawing or humming. If you do not answer quickly or correctly, we will throw you into a pit of pirhannas, killer sharks, and crocodiles, since fangirls wouldn't be too much of a problem for you. Since you're so slow, three strikes and you're out. Go!

**beautyfrompain: **Why the heck did you name your vampire freak baby something weird like Renesmee?

**Bella: **Um, brainwashed?

**beautyfrompain: **Didn't I tell you no ums? Strike one! What screwed you up so bad that you developed shizoprenia, and around what time did this occur?

**Bella:**One day I was just walking along, with my heart feeling all hallow, and then I heard this pretty little voice telling me not to hurt myself, and it sounded a bit like Eddiepoo's, and-

**beautyfrompain:*presses buzzer that appears out of nowhere* **Sorry, that was more than three seconds. Striiiiiiiiiiiiike Two!

**Kaitlynne: **Next time, try to speak three times as fast. Next question!

**beautyfrompain: **In Twilight, you were wallowing in self pity and misery, and complaining about why everyone likes you all all that crap. What gave you such low self esteem? And why the heck was everyone so hooked on you?

**Bella: **Well, I-

**Kaitlynne: **Wait a sec. Your questions are actually starting to sound.....normal. Oh, no. This can't be happening on a parody talk show. Crank up the random!

**beautyfrompain: **Ves firsdiq has mofhol beid ebksoas doedsk daklee noes aqxm?

**Bella: **Vanwod feqhesen?

**beautyfrompain: **Kwoee. Are you a fan of crumpets?

**Bella:** I don't eat.

**beautyfrompain: **If you were on a a deserted island in the middle of the Bermuda triangle, and you were running from a bunch of rabid apes three times the size of King Kong, wearing frilly bikinis, and you had to defeat them with the book The Last Olympian, a wimpy string bean, and a broken taser, and you had the option of just picking a perfectly good tranquilizer from the tranquilizer palm tree on the beach only thirty yards away from you, and you were wearing nothing but a ripped up cha-cha dress, aaaaaaaaaand it was a hundred and twenty three degrees Fahrenheit on the beach, what would your favorite number be?

**Bella: O.O **Uh, um..... 37!

**beautyfrompain: **Wrong, wrong, wrong! First off, you said uh, which is against the rules. Second, you said um, which is also against the rules. Third, your favorite number would be whatever Edward's is, because your so crazy like that. And his favorite number would be three hundred and two. I hope you like flesh-eating water-dwelling highly dangerous animals!

**Bella: ****ToT **Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

***futon drops into randomly appearing hole in the stage***

**beautyfrompain:*shudders* **Well, that really wasn't too much of a surprise. What was surprising is that we were able to find highly-dangerous water-dwelling animals that also ate vampires.

**Bella:*from below set* **Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

**Kaitlynne: **But don't worry. She'll survive. In fact, she'll be back in three.......two......one........

***Bella reappears on futon in a flash of sparkles***

**beautyfrompain: **How did you know that was going to happen?

**Kaitlynne: **Magic8 ball ***holds up ball***

**beautyfrompain:*shrugs* **Good enough for me. How did you enjoy your torture, Bella?

**Bella:*shudders* **Teeth can be very scary things.

**beautyfrompain: **But you lived. Say, how do you feel about fire?

**Bella: **Nooooooooooo! Fire very bad. Bad, bad, bad bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!

**Kaitlynne: **Then I suppose you wouldn't mind an unusually big bonfire, now would you? ***stage set changes automatically to campfire background, and unusually big bonfire appears in the middle of the stage***

**beautyfrompain: **Ah, yes. We couldn't roast marshmallows in a highly flammable environment, now could we!

***both co-hosts start roasting magically appearing marshmallows***

**Kaitlynne:*gets gleam in her eye* **Oooooooh, such purty fire............

**beautyfrompain: **Now that I think about it, this probably isn't the best place to have a bonfire with a highly dangerous pyromaniac.

**Bella:*cringes away from fire* **Noooo! Fire bad! Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!

**Kaitlynne: **Mwha ha ha ha ha! My evil plan is in affect!

**beautyfrompain: **Hmmm, I wonder just how hot this fire gets. In the books, it did say that vamps can get burned to ashes or some shit, right Kaitlynn?

**Kaitlynne: **Hmmn, only one way to know for sure......

***co-hosts inch closer to Bella***

**Bella**: No! Fire bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!

**beautyfrompain:*laughs evilly*** Oh, no. Fire good_. Very_ good......

***Kaitlynne pushes Bella into the fire when she's not looking***

**Bella**: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

**Kaitlynne and beautyfrompain:*laughs evilly***

***suddenly, beautyfrompain stops laughing and stares disbelievingly into the fire***

**Kaitlynne: **What is it now?!

**beautyfrompain:*looking into the fire, horrified and fascinated at the same time* **She's not burning!

**Bella:*staring unblinkingly back at the ogling co-hosts* **Are you ready to let me out now?

**Kaitlynne:*shudders* **Now that's creepy.

***Bella steps out of fire***

**beautyfrompain:*sprays Bella with fire extinguisher* **Hey, no flaming vamps on the stage area!

***all sit back down on reappearing furniture***

**beautyfrompain: **Tell me, Bella, how _did _you survive that? You should be a pile of vamp-ashes right now.

**Bella: **Um, I don't know.

**Kaitlynne: **I think I do. It's the same way I think she survived the water-dwelling flesh/vampire-eating highly dangerous animals.

**beautyfrompain: **C'mon, just spit it out already. The suspense is killing me!

**Kaitlynne:** It's called.......the power of the spineless.........

**beautyfrompain: **What the heck is that.

**Kaitlynne: **It's kind of self-explanatory.......

**beautyfrompain: **How do you know this stuff, anyway?

**Kaitlynne:*shrugs* **Magic8 ball.

**beautyfrompain: **Well, that explains it. Do you think Alice uses Magic8 balls?

**Kaitlynne: **I'll bet you after the show. We're all out of time today, folks!

**beautyfrompain: **Next time, we will be dragging in Alice Cullen, the weird physic vampire girl.

**both co-hosts and Bella: **See ya next time!

**beautyfrompain:*tasers Bella* **Not you!

**Bella: X.X**

**beautyfrompain: **Ha! The power of the spineless didn't work then! How do you explain that?

**Kaitlynne:*shrugs* **It doesn't extend to tasers. My Magic8 ball could have told you that.

**beautyfrompain: **Ya know, that little tidbit of information could have saved us a whole lot of time and trouble...

**both:*wave ***

***cuts to commercial***

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**_Happy poisoning!_**

***ends commercial***

* * *

_**A/N: So yeah, that was the next chapter. Is it any good? Reviews, please!**_


	4. Evil Crumpets,Magic8 balls, & other Odds

***theme music***

**Live from Alesha's bedroom......**

**Kaitlynne: **Hellooooooo audience!

**beautyfrompain: **Last time on our show, we dragged in Bella, the wimpiest vampire on earth! However, due to The Power of the Spineless, we were not able to properly torture her. And today we will be bringing in Alice, the weirdo vamp physic.

**Kaitlynne**: Ah, yes. Let's skip to the crap.** *turns around three times and points to random chair*** Hobey ho, let's go!**_1 _**

**Alice:*appears a few seconds later* **I can see your future.......Hey! Where am I?

**beautyfrompain: **Your on our talk show, the Mysteries of Twilight. We're going to ask you a few questions, and you will answer, or otherwise submit to our torture...

**Alice:*starts rubbing temples* **I can see your future.........!

**beautyfrompain:*starts shooting with taser* **Did you see that coming? Huh?! Did you? I bet you didn't.

**Alice: X.X**

**Kaitlynne: **Oh, come on! You have got to stop being so damn aggressive.

**beautyfrompain:*starts speaking in British accent* **Well, I am bloody sorry but people just get on my last nerve sometimes....

**Kaitlynne: **beautyfrompain?

**beautyfrompain: **Yes, mate?

**Kaitlynne: **Why the hell are you speaking in a British accent?!

**beautyfrompain: **And a bloody good British accent, too, if I do say so myself!

**Kaitlynne: **But _why_?

**beautyfrompain:*reaching for taser*** Because I bloody well feel like it, ya got a bloody problem with that, mate?!

**Kaitlynne:*ducks taser shootings and puts up Magically Appearing Force Feild* **Oh, hey, look, Alice is coming to!

**Alice: **WaddayafloobergastwheramI?

**beautyfrompain:*still speaking in British accent* **Ah, yes, mate! And much faster than most. We should probably start our questioning.

**Kaitlynne:*wipes forehead and mutters* **It a good thing that she has the attention span of a three year old...

**beautyfrompain: **Alice, mate, how do you tell the future? What are your sources?

**Alice:*shrugs* **I use my Magic8 ball, of course....

**beautyfrompain: **Told you, Kaitlynne! Now pay up, we had a bloody well good deal.

**Kaitlynne:*grumbles and pulls out fifty bucks* **Fine. Stupid Twilight....

**beautyfrompain: **Bloody damn straight! Alice, do you like crumpets?

**Alice: **Um, well, uh, not exactly... **8(**

**beautyfrompain: **What do you mean?! Crumpets are bloody well good, I say, bloody good!

**Alice: **Well, you see, when I was a child, I used to have nightmares about Unusually Large Evil Cyclops Crumpets trying to eat my intestines ... and I've had an irrational fear of them ever since....

**beautyfrompain: **So, mate, what you are trying to say is that you don't like crumpets?!

**Alice: **Well....

***an Unusually Large Evil Cyclops Crumpet magically appears on stage***

**Kaitlynne:*sits back and sips Magically Appearing Kool Aid* **Oh yes, this sure as hell should turn out interesting....

**Unusually Large Evil Cyclops Crumpet:*roars* **WHO DARES DISLIKE CRUMPETS?!

**beautyfrompain: **Oh, look, an Unusually Large Evil Cyclops Crumpet! Dreams do come true....

**Alice:*cowers in corner* o.o **Crumpets....bad, bad, very bad!

**beautyfrompain:*stops talking in British accent and says in singsong voice* **Somebody doesn't like crumpets.....

**Alice: **Eep!** O.O **

**Unusually Large Evil Cyclops Crumpet: **WHO IS IT?! MY NAME IS BILL, AND I HUNGER FOR THE INTESTINES OF THE CRUMPET-HATERS...

**beautyfrompain: **Oh, goody, and his name is Bill! Hey, Bill!

**Unusually Large Evil Cyclops Crumpet Whose Name Is Bill: **YEEESSSSS?

**Alice:*pleads* **Please don't do it, please don't do it!

**beautyfrompain: **Alice over here doesn't like crumpets!

**Alice: **Noooooooooo!

**Unusually Large Evil Cyclops Crumpet Whose Name Is Bill: **I KNOW. I CAN SMELL HER FEAR FROM OVER HERE ... I WAS JUST WAITING FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT TO PULL OUT HER INNARDS!

**Alice: **Noooooooooo!

**Unusually Large Evil Cyclops Crumpet Whose Name Is Bill:*POUNCES* **GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

**Alice: **Noooooooooo!

**Kaitlynne:*comes out of nowhere and takes out evil crumpet* **Hiiiiiiiiiiyah!

**Unusually Large Evil Cyclops Crumpet Whose Name Is Bill: **Oomph!

**Alice:*kisses Kaitlynne's feet* **Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!

**Kaitlynne: ^.^ **Well, now, what use are you to us dead, huh?

**beautyfrompain: Y.Y **......

**Kaitlynne:*scowls at beautyfrompain* **Well, now what is it? No need to cry over a mutated crumpet, now is there?

**beautyfrompain: **But he was my mutated crumpet! What is the point of going through the trouble of creating such a wonderful crumpet if-

**Kaitlynne: **Wait one second. _You _created that crumpet?

**beautyfrompain: **Damn right, I did!

**Kaitlynne:*tasers beautyfrompain* **

**beautyfrompain: X.X**

**Kaitlynne: **Oh, beautyfrompain. Will you never learn?

**Alice: **Can I leave now?

**Kaitlynne: **Well, we didn't really accomplish much today......But, oh, go on ahead.

**Alice:*disappears in a poof of smoke***

**Kaitlynne:*sighs and looks around*.**....I guess its just me, then.....

***song Funkytown randomly starts playing from out of nowhere***

**Kaitlynne:*starts dancing and singing in off-key voice* **Oh, yeah, Funkytown!

***song eventually ends***

**Kaitlynne:*just sits awkwardly for a few minutes* **Well....what now?

***sits awkwardly for a few more minutes***

**Kaitlynne: **Hell, this is boring. I'm leaving, kids. Go watch Barney or some shit.

***leaves***

***lights on set dim***

***a very roughed-up Edward runs out onto stage***

**Edward: **YES! I'm freeeeeeeee!

**Fangirl #480273571: *runs from behind him and tackles him* **Oh no you're not! I still haven't gotten my money's worth.....

**Edward:*get drags away by fangirl* **Nooooooooooo!

**beautyfrompain:*wakes up* **Where am I?

***looks around sleepily* **

**beautyfrompain: **Well, I guess I'm alone. Go watch Sesame Street or some shit.

***walks away***

***show ends***

**_

* * *

_**

**_1: _**Hmm, a Pendragon reference. I wonder if anyone will notice......?

* * *


	5. Werewolves and Vampire Freak Babies

**_*_theme music***

**_Live from Alesha's bedroom..._**

**beautyfrompain: **Hellooooo there, Fanfiction! I'm beautyfrompain...

**Kaitlynne: **And I'm Kaitlynne...

**beautyfrompain: **And as you should know by now, this is our parody talk show, which we call...

**beautyfrompain and Kaitlynne: **The Mysteries of Twilight!

**Audience Member #4037462: **We don't give a shit!

**beautyfrompain: **Shut up, or feel the wrath of my taser.

**Kaitlynne:*in singsong voice* **Control your anger....

**beautyfrompain: **Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just bring out the werewolf and vampire freak baby, already!

**Kaitlynne: **If you haven't guessed already, today we shall bring out Jacob Black and the vampire freak baby, also known as Renesmee!

**beautyfrompain:*clenching teeth and reaching for taser* **I said to bring out the werewolf and the freak baby...

**Kaitlynne:*waves hands nonchalantly* **Fine, fine, don't pee yourself.

***Jacob and Renesmee fall out of Randomly Appearing Hole In The Ceiling***

**Jacob:*lands facedown* **OOF!

**Renesmee:*lands on top of Jacob* **Ouch! What's this big, hairy, sexy thing I just landed on?

**Jacob:*groans***

**Renesmee:*looks down* **Oh, its just you. Wait a sec ... Jakie-poo! Its's my Jakie-wakie-kinns! Gimme a kiss!

***here the unusually fast growing vampire freak baby proceeds to harass Jacob***

**beautyfrompain: **Um, what's with these Cullen women and their weird nicknames?

**Kaitlynne:*shrugs* **Don't ask me.

**Renesmee: **Ooh, I also inherited my mommy's schizophrenic tendencies. JAKIE-KINNS!

**beautyfrompain: **And wierd boy obsessions, as it seems...

**Renesmee: **Wait, what was that you said, purty little voice in my head? You think fire is purty? Yes, I do too, little voice in my head. In fact, I happen to be a professional pyromaniac myself. Wait, what? You think this here stage would look much purty-purtier set on fire? Okay!

***here the vampire freak baby proceeds to set stage on fire using a Magically Appearing Match***

**Kaitlynne:*whips out fire extinguisher* **Noooo! Not the stage!

**beautyfrompain: **...

**Renesmee:*starts weeping* **I had to! The little voice in my head said so! And its too purty to refuse...

**Kaitlynne: **...

**beautyfrompain: **...

**Jacob: **...

**Kaitlynne: **Well, okay then! Just sit down on one of these here peices of furniture, and we can get started here.

**Jacob: **Started with what, exactly?

**beautyfrompain: **Oh, didn't you get the memo? Your on our hatefic/talkshow, The Mysteries of Twilight, of course!

**Jacob:*shrugs and sits on futon* **Good enough for me.

**Renesmee:*sits uncomfortably close to Jacob***

**Jacob:*scoots away***

**Renesmee:*scoots even farther towards him***

**Jacob: **Uh, could you scoot down a bit? Your invading my personal space here.

**Renesmee:*pouts* **But Jakie-poo, you have to learn to be close to me if we're going to have our weirdish-looking vampire-werewolf freak children together!

**Jacob: **...

**beautyfrompain: **...

**Kaitlynne: **Now that's just creepy.

**beautyfrompain: **I agree completely. And since we can't send our viewers to bed with too many scary nightmarish images seared into their brain, we'll have to split you two up.

**Remesmee:*pouts* **Fine!

**beautyfrompain: **Now that that's settled, its time to ask some questions.

**Kaitlynne: **Yes such as : How do you feel about Breaking Dawn? Did your eyeballs shrivel up in yoiur sockets after reading it, like mine did?

**Renesmee: **I loved that bit where my Jakie-poo imprinted on me!

**Jacob:*shudders and then starts twitching* **Look, that never happened. Do you understand? _Never happened._

**beautyfrompain:*holds up hefty volume* **But it says right here--

**Jacob:*starts twitching harder* **_IT WAS A STUPID MISUNDERSTANDING! NEVER HAPPENED! _

**beautyfrompain: o.o **Okay, okay, it never happened! Cheez, don't get your evil demented muffins in a twist.

**Kaitlynne: **What is your greatest fear?

**Renesmee: **That I will lose Jakiee-poo's love!

**beautyfrompain:*mutters* **Can't lose something you never had...

**Jacob: **No comment. _She _***nodds toward Renesmee* **will probably just use it against me anyways.

**beautyfrompain:*takes out taser, which crackles menacingly***

**Jacob: **Okay, okay! I'm afraid of sporks. And mice. ***shudders* **Especially flaming ones...

**Kaitlynne: **Uh, what do you have against sporks again?

**Jacob: **Just look at them. They're a mutant form of half-spork half-spoon! You could poke eyes out! And they're going to use they're freakish mutant powers to take over the universe!

**Renesmee: **Oh, don't worry, my Jakie-wakie; I'll protect you from the evil sporks!

**beautyfrompain: **Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Next question?

**Kaitlynne:** Listen very, very closely ....... if you were on a deserted island in the middle of the Bermuda triangle, and you were running from a bunch of rabid apes three times the size of King Kong, wearing frilly bikinis, and you had to defeat them with the book The Last Olympian, a wimpy string bean, and a broken taser, and you had the option of just picking a perfectly good tranquilizer from the tranquilizer palm tree on the beach only thirty yards away from you, and you were wearing nothing but a ripped up cha-cha dress, aaaaaaaaaand it was a hundred and twenty three degrees Fahrenheit on the beach, what would your favorite number be?

**Renesmee: **Whatever my Jakie's is!

**Jacob: **93,582,034,674,020,374,033,708,038,402,830,372,493,740,720,473,035!

**Kaitlynne: **You are both correct! Renesmee is so infatuated with Jacob that her favorite number would be whatever his is, and Jacob's was just random enough to be right!

**beautyfrompain: **Yes, that is correct! Now, next--

***Here the Authoress decided that this episode was not nearly funny enough to meet the standards, and decided that in order for this to be even near funny enough, something random had to happen immediately. So ................***

**Jacob: O.O **Eep!

**beautyfrompain: *looks over her shoulder*** Oh look, our daily dose of random is here ...

**Randomly Appearing Flaming Mouse:*starts shooting fire from index claw* **ROAR!

**Totally Random, Imaginary Choir:*singing* **_Burning, burning, burning, burning!_

**Jacob:*cowers in corner and ****looks to Renesmee* **Well, can't you suck that shit dry or something?

**Renesmee: **Only is you promise to be mine for ever and ever and ever!

**Jacob: **Never!

**Flaming Mouse:*starts scurrying up Jacob's pant leg***

**Jacob: **AGH! GETITOFFMEGETITOFFMEGETITOFFME! Fine, Fine, Fine! I promise to be yours for ever and ever!

**Renesmee:*grins evilly* **Then sure! ***tries to get mouse***

**Kaitlynne:*shakes head wearily* **You know, thiss show just keeps getting wierder and weirder...

**beautyfromain: **I know; that's what makes it so funny! And as you know, I'm beautyfrompain!

**Kaitlynne: **And I'm Kaitlynne!

**Random Audience Member #830376303: **I would think that this is sort of obvious by now...

**beautyfrompain and Kaitlynne: **And this is The Mysteries of Twilight!

**beautyfrompain: **Bye!

***flaming mouse scurries accross stage in attempt to run away from the vampire freak baby, trailing fire***

**Kaitlynne: **We really should try to put that fire out now...

***theme music***


	6. Chatspeak, Torture, and Sexual Innuendo

***theme music***

**Live from Alesha's bedroom...**

**beautyfrompain: **We're baaaaack!

**Foolish Audience Member #3649: **Damn it all...

**beautyfrompain:*immediately tasers Foolish Audience Member #3649***

**Kaitlynne: *smirks and kicks Audience Member* **Goodto have you back, beautyfrompain.

**beautyfrompain: **After he wakes up in a few days, I think I'll ship him off to do some "experiments" with him and a certain magical armadillo in Uruguay …

**Audience: **...?

**Audience Member #78903: **Uh, we're _right here._

**Kaitlynne: **Anyway, I'm Kaitlynne, and this is my co-host, beautyfrompain.

**beautyfrompain: **What I think Kaitlynne here means to say is that I'm beautyfrompain, and she's _my_ co-host.

**Kaitlynne: **Whatever helps you sleep at night. And in case anyone here has amnesia, this is our "show", The Mysteries of Twilight. Today we'll be bringing out Rosalie and Emmett.

**beautyfrompain: **She means the dumb blonde and the buff one. What powers do _they _have, anyway?

**Kaitlynne: **Who cares? It's all due to one of Meyer's many overlooked flaws.

**beautyfrompain: **Good point. Can I try to transport them today?

**Kaitlynne: **Do you know how to do it?

**beautyfrompain: **I'll figure it out.

**Kaitlynne:** Wait! what about --

***ray of green light shoots from beautyfrompain's index finger, and Rosalie and Emmett appear from nowhere***

**Emmett:* in high, squeaky voice* **Where are we?

**Rosalie: **w0w, I, lyke, have no id3a!1!!11

**Kaitlynne: -- **training ...?

**...**

**beautyfrompain: *bursts out laughing***

**Kaitlynne: **What the hell?!

**beautyfrompain: *still laughing***

**Kaitlynne: **What the fuck is up with Emmett's voice? And why is Rosalie talking in chat-speak?

**beautyfrompain:*still laughing***

**Kaitlynne:*slaps beautyfrompain***

**beautyfrompain: *rubs head and puts hand on taser* **_HEY!_

**Kaitlynne: **THIS IS WHY TRAINING IS REQUIRED, SMART ONE! Due to your utter lack of experience, Emmett's voice is jacked up, and Rosalie looks even dumber than usual!

**Emmett:** Hey! Where is this hellhole?

**Roaslie:** hEy, u kno we can hereee u, ryt? W3're r!te HeeEEEr… nd I, r0Salie "CULEN", !s nawt DUBM.

**beautyfrompain:*once more busts out laughing* **Not really so sorry to disappoint you, babe, but you actually have just a little less than half the brains of a block of wood. And OH MY GODS, THIS IS _HILARIOUS!_

**Kaitlynne: **You're pushing it, beautyfrompain. You're pushing it.

**Beautyfrompain: *laughter* **Wow, I think I'm dying!** *chokes* **But really, Kate! Have you HEARD Emmett? He sounds like he just sucked on a tank of helium!

**Emmett:*in high, squeaky voice* **I do _NOT_!

**Kaitlynne:*snickers* **And with that voice, you won't be "doing" anything for a LONG while.

**Audience Member #29277 to Audience Member #29278: **You would think they would give it up with all the lame sexual innuendo jokes after they got this dumb.

**Audience Member #29278: **Apparently not.

**Rosalie:*growls* **LIk, stoooopP Insulat!ng mi huny-kinnns! OR yull hve mY to crosssssss, b!%c#!

**Kaitlynne: **First, I think you mean "insulting". Second, it's fucking hard to take you seriously when you're threats are in chatspeak.

**Rosalie: **THaT'S IT!***lunges for her***

**beautyfrompain:*tasers her into a peaceful sleep* **That should do it.

**Emmett: **Hey! What the hell have you done with Rose, bastards?

**beautyfrompain:*smothers snicker***

**Kaitlynne: **Rosalie the mindless bitch is currently unavailable. **_(1__)_ **As we wait for her wake up, why don't we sit down and have a nice little interview, yes?

**Emmett: **But I--

**beautyfrompain:*turns taser up to EXTRAH CRISPAY* **You don't have a choice, Daffy Duck.

**Kaitlynne: **She's right. Either this, or you can be converted into EXTRAH CRISPAY BBQ form.

**Emmet: **I--

**Taser:*crackles menacingly***

**Emmett: **Right. Where do I sit?

**beautyfrompain: **Preferably on that futon over there.

**Kaitlynne: **So, Emmett. How do you know Meyer?

**Emmet: **Mayor who?

**beautyfrompain: **Y'know, Stephanie Meyer. Brunette Mormon, no imagination, wrote those silly Twilight books?

**Emmett: **Twi-what-the-fuck?

**Kaitlynne: **Yeah, the whole series has this whole thing with dark nights and moons and suns I think it was supposed to give the series a gothic splash.

**beautyfrompain: **That fail was epic, if you ask me.

**Emmett: **I have no idea what the hell you are going on about.

**Kaitlynne:** Well! That settles it, folks. Either Meyer has somehow brainwashed her characters into submission, or they have no fucking idea what's going on.

**Audience Member #59573: **No shit, Sherlock.

**beautyfrompain: *brings out small remote control and pushes the purple button***

***trap door with opens directly underneath Audience Member #59573, and she drops into a hole flaring with black fire at the opening***

**Audience Member #59573: **AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**beautyfrompain and Kaitlynne:*break into creepy and simultaneous grinning* **

**Emmett:*tries to bolt for it***

**Entrance doors:*SLAM!***

**beautyfrompain: **Not so fast, dude.

**Emmett:*sulks back* **Right.

**Rosalie: **Eurrrrrrrrrrrgh. Where am I?

**Audience Member #7484629: **In a word, Hell.

**Audience Member #49504: **Last time I checked, it was referred to as "The Dreaded Hellhole"

**Audience Member #103734: **Really? I think of it more as a ... cesspit of sorts.

**Audience Member #0283621: **The last place you would ever want to be is here. Not even your imagination would conjure up such a place on it's own, lassie.

**Kaitlynne: **Don't be so ridiculous. This is our talkshow/hatefic parody, The Mysteries of Twilight!

**Rosalie: **Fuck it all.

**Audience Member #29273: **I would suggest you try and make a run for it while you still have the chance.

**Audience Member #04820947: **_PAH! _If you offer up such unrealistic and impossible thoughts as _escaping _this horrid place to this ignorant hostage, you might accidentally give her the idea that it can be accomplished, for fuck's sake. And hell no, it can not be escaped from.

**Kaitlynne: **...

**beautyfrompain: **If the group of you won't stop going on about impending doom and cesspits, I'll unleash the power of my SUPAH AWESUM TASAH on the lot of you!

**Audience Member #103734: **See? No one ever said anything about impending doom. And she just threatened us with a taser!

**Rosalie: **Right. Again I repeat ... Fuck it all.

**Kaitlynne: **Hey, Rosalie isn't communiating in chatspeak anymore!

**Audience Member #92746438: **Nice chunk of time it took you to figure that out, Captain Obvious.

**beautyfrompain: **Whopp-a-dee fucking doo-dah day.

**Kaitlynne: **Maybe you actually tasered the sense back into her. Well, as much sense as she could have possibly carried before.

**beautyfrompain: **I suppose that fictuous characters can't be turned into _EXTRA-CRISPAH BBQ _form via my taser, then ...

**Kaitlynne: **But the side affects unleashed on them by beautyfrompain's stupidity can be directly affected by it ...

**beautyfrompain: ...**

**Emmett: **Oh, _hell no!_

**beautyfrompain: **Oh, hell yes!

***taser crackles, and a stench fills the room as Emmett crisps***

**Emmett: 0.o ... *.***

**beautyfrompain:*prods Emmett again***

**Emmett: **Lay the fuck off, bitch, or you'll have hell to pay.

**Kaitlynne: **Well, he's back to normal.

**Rosalie: **And sexy as ever.

**beautyfrompain: **.**..**

***phone bleeps***

**beautyfrompain:*checks phone* **Shit. Apparently, we lost alot of time, more than was expected, so we don't have much airtime left. But ... it should be enough to fit in a bit of the program.

**Rosalie: **Emmett, what the hell are you doing?

**Emmett: **I'm checking Twitter from my cell phone. Oh, look, "DanSawEmmett" is a trending topic. I'm a part of a trending topic on Twitter!

***at this point, Kaitlynne used her telepathic powers to blow Emmett's phone into peices***

**Emmett: **Right. ***pulls Rosalie unto futon***

**beautyfrompain: **So ... assuming that you still have knowledge about the havoc being created over the Twilight books being made into movies, what are your thoughts on that?

**Rosalie: **Honestly, they make the series look even worse. I didn't even know that was possible! Whatever happened to vampires being scary? I mean, sparkling. Really?! Pathetic.

**Kaitlynne: **But wait. How do you know about the books and infamous movies, but not know who Meyer is?

**Emmett: **Let's just say we spend an almost impossible amount of time holed up in our house all day long.

**Kaitlynne: **Um ... the devious look on Rosalie's face is more than a bit disturbing ... so I don't think questioning further on this subject would be wise.

**beautyfrompain: **Right. This is geting boring. Time for a little lightning round! We ask questions, and you answer as quickly as possible, and you only have three seconds to do it. No repeats, ahs, ohs, ums, hmmms, hemming, hawing or humming. If you do not answer quickly or correctly, we will throw you to the mercy of ... something quite painful.

**Audience Member #3927392: **You mean like Hannah Montana's singing?

**Kaitlynne: **Yeah, something painful like that. Not that any of her untalented screeching could be called singing or anything of the sort ... if you fail to answer on time, correctly, or submit answers that make any sense at all, you both lose, and we will force you to listen to Hannah Montana's horrible screechings.

**beautyfrompain: **Wait! We don't let ignorant audience members run the show here! Let the power of ther Magic8 determine their fate.

**Kaitlynne: **Just as well. ***pulls out Magic8 Ball* **Oh Holy Magic8, is or is not Hannah Montana the perfect way to properly torture Rosalie and Emmett today?

**Magic8 Ball: **_It is._

**beautyfrompain: **Well, it's settled. If you fail, you have to listen to Hannah Montana._Live. _So listen closely, or surrender the proper use of your eardrums. First-- where the hell are your vampire powers? The mandatory superhuman strength and everyday stubborness doesn't count.

**Rosalie: **Supposedly, they were only given to the important characters. We were just pawns, space-fillers of a sort.

**beautyfrompain: **Right. And why were you so mean to Bella again?

**Rosalie: **To hell with that bitch. Why would I like Bella? No one else in their right mind does.

**Kaitlynne: **True. Very, very true.

**beautyfrompain: **Is there anything else you would like to share with the Fanon world? Preferrably personal.

**Emmett: **Well ...

**beautyfrompain: **Three ... two ...

**Rosalie:*blurts* **He fears eight-limbed creatures. More so with octopi.

**beautyfrompain: **Um ... come again?

**Rosalie: **For some reason, he finds them intimidating. Personally, I don't see where the fear comes in.

**Emmett: **Come on! It's a wonder you can chatter my secret fears to the Fanon, when you yourself are irrationally attatched to knees. Knees!

**Kaitlynne:*mutters* **Yeah 'cause that's not weird at all.

**beautyfrompain:*sits back and muches on Randomly Appearing Muffin* **Shut up, Kaitlynne! This is getting interesting.

**Rosalie: **Traitor! You promised you wouldn't ever, _ever _repeat that in front of anyone! That's personal!

**Emmett: **Because my fear of eight-legged things simply _needed _to become public knowledge!

**Rosalie: **Don't get sarcastic with me!

**beautyfromapin:*finishes muffin, gets impatient, and starts tasering***

**Rosalie and Emmett: **OW!

**Kaitlynne: **Uh. Not that I don't just _love _hearing you guys spill out your fears on FW cable, but this banter is getting tedious.

**beautyfrompain: **So back to Lightning Round! Which is better, pirates or ninjas?

**Rosalie: **Ninjas, of course!

**beautyfrompain: **Actually, zombies are better than both of them. But I'll let that slide ... for now. Do you really settle for animal blood, just so you can be "good"?

**Emmett: **Hell no! We sneak out in the middle of the night.

**beautyfrompain: **I would. If you were on a a deserted island in the middle of the Bermuda triangle, and you were running from a bunch of rabid apes three times the size of King Kong, wearing frilly bikinis, and you had to defeat them with the book The Last Olympian, a wimpy string bean, and a broken taser, and you had the option of just picking a perfectly good tranquilizer from the tranquilizer palm tree on the beach only thirty yards away from you, and you were wearing nothing but a ripped up cha-cha dress, aaand it was a hundred and twenty three degrees Fahrenheit on the beach, what would your favorite number be?

**Audience Member #9273201: **Haven't you ever noticed how they use that same exact question, every single time?

**Audience Member #537: **I'm guessing they ran out of ideas.

**Emmett: **Wait. Why am I wearing a bikini?

**Rosalie: **Pi's perfect square!

**beautyfrompain: **Incorrect!

**Kaitlynne: **And not only because Pi doesn't have a perfect square...

**beautyfrompain: **First, you're wearing the ripped cha-cha dress, and the rabid apes are wearing the bikinis. Second, Kaitlynne's right-- Pi doesn't have a perfect square, therefore making your answer invalid. Kaitlynne?

**Kaitlynne:*spins around thrice and points to far side of the stage***

**Hannah Montana:*POOF* **Hey ya'll! So glad to be in-- where the heck am I?

**Audience Member #7484629: **In a word, Hell.

**Audience Member #49504: **Last time I checked, it was referred to as "The Dreaded Hellhole"

**Audience Member #103734: **Really? I think of it more as a ... cesspit of sorts.

**Audience Member #0283621: **The last place you would ever want to be is here. Not even your imagination would conjure up such a place on it's own, lassie.

**Kaitlynne: **Don't be so ridiculous! This is our talkshow/hatefic parody, The Mysteries of Twilight, and you're here to throroughly torture our temporary Twilight hostages, Rosalie and Emmett. So sing, or else.

**Hannah Montana: **You--

**beautyfrompain: **Wait! ***pulls out two pairs of earplugs, gives on to Kaitlynne, and puts in the other pair* **Okay, now.

**Hannah Montana: **But--

**beautyfrompain:*fires up taser* **Unless you would rather suffer the wrath of this here taser ...?

**Hannah Montana: **Sweet niblets, no!

**beautyfrompain: **Didn't think so. Sing.

**Hannah Montana:*starts to sing***

**Emmett: **No ... MY POOR, ABUSED EARS!

**Rosalie:*starts to twitch***

**Audience: *tries to block out sound, not no avail. Eventually falls writhing to the floor in agony***

**beautyfrompain: **Well, our time is almost up, and either way, our work here is done.

**Kaitlynne: **That's it for today, folks! Good night, and remember-- next week we do Jasper, the emo kid.

**beautyfrompain and Kaitlynne: **See ya!

***theme music***

* * *

**_1: We do not call her such because she treats Bella in this manner throughout the "series", but because we rather enjoy walking about calling certain girls bitches. Especially the mindless kind. ^.^_**

**_

* * *

_**

_**A/N: Um, yeah, I know I didn't update, in, like, forever ... but I left a notification. That counts for something, right? No? Well, due to some encouragement from a friend (aka **logic-is-for-losers**), I was inspired to get off my lazy ass and start Chapter Six. I think it might be a bit longer than usual, though, and the audience members definately spoke up more. But it's here, so review. Or else.**_

**_--beautyfrompain_**


	7. Emo Vamps,Epic Spazzing,and Linkin Park

***theme music***

_**Live from Alesha's bedroom …**_

**beautyfrompain: **Why hello there, my fellow Fanfictioners, and welcome to The Mysteries of Twilight!

**Kaitlynne: **Hosted by beautyfrompain and myself, of course.

**beautyfrompain: **Well, actually, it's my show, with Kaitlynne as my co-host.

**Kaitlynne: **Um, wrong! It should be my show, seeing as I'm actually somewhat sane, and do the teleports …

**beautyfrompain: **Since when are you sane? You're simply a figment of my imagination, and I teleported wonderfully last time!

**Kaitlynne: **And brought back a chat-speak Mary Sue bitch and a version of Emmett with a squeaky voice. Need I get more proof of your obvious incompetence?

**beautyfrompain: *fires up taser***Watch it! Rosalie was a Mary Sue bitch before.

**Audience: **AHEM.

**Kaitlynne: **Well, whatever. The point is that we host the show.

**beautyfrompain: **And today on much aforementioned show, we'll be bringing out one of those demented, nonsensical Twilight vamps.

**Kaitlynne: **Yup. Jasper, was it?

**beautyfrompain: **Ah yes, the emo one who can't control himself! He should be fun to torture … I mean, uh … interview. Yeah. So … let's get on with it, shall we?

**Kaitlynne: **Right. ***points to spot on the stage with her magic wand* **_Appear near here, Jasper, go not too far, show yourself, wherever you are! _

_*__**Poof!***_

**Jasper:*appears on the stage curled in a fetal position, sucking his thumb obsessively and listening to Linkin Park on his iPod***

**beautyfrompain: **…

**Jasper:**_***sings along in a feeble voice***__I've given up … I'm sick of feeling … Is there nothing you can say … Take this all away … I'm suffocating … Tell me, what the heck is wrong … with me …_

**Kaitlynne: **Um.

**beautyfrompain: **Well, okay then. Seems I'm not the only incompetent one, Kaitlynne, 'because Jasper seems a bit traumatized. Or something. Well, more emo than he usually is.

**Jasper: *continues to mimic L's position **_**(1)**_**, simultaneously stroking his "battle" scars* **_I don't know what to take … Thought I was focused, but I'm scared … I'm not prepared … I hyperventilate … Looking for hope, somehow, somewhere … And no one cares … I'm my own worst enemy …_

**Kaitlynne: **Well, okay, maybe he's seems a bit disturbed. But isn't he always this way?

**Jasper:*jumps up suddenly* **_I'VE GIVEN UUUUUP! I'm sick of feeling! Is there nothing you can say! Put me out of my misery … Put me out of my misery … __*****_**grabs head in agony and falls to the floor writhing in pain***

**Kaitlynne: **Well, okay, perhaps not. Why is he grabbing his head, again?

**beautyfrompain: **I don't know. Maybe he's caught the schizo from Belly, or has "inner demons".

**Audience Member #390489812: **Well, if "inner demons" is another way of saying he's gone mad, then yes, he has a few inner demons.

**Audience Member 3390489811: **Huh. "Inner demons" sounds better, that's for sure.

**beautyfrompain:*shakes Magic8 Ball* **Yup, it's inner demons.

**Jasper: **_Put me out of my … put me out of my fucking misery!_

**beautyfrompain: **Fine, fine, if you insist. ***tasers Jasper***

**Kaitlynne: **beautyfrompain!

**beautyfrompain: **What? He asked for it …

**Kaitlynne: **You can't just go around tasering our subjects before we can properly pester them! Bring him back, immediately!

**beautyfrompain: **Oh, alright, it's just fine. No need to rain on my parade or anything … ***prods Jasper with taser again, this time on a higher voltage***

**Jasper:*awakes with a jolt* **Urgggggggh … where am I?

**Kaitlynne: **Welcome! You're on our parody talk show, The Mysteries of Twilight!

**Jasper: **The Mysteries of what-the-fuck?

**beautyfrompain: **The Mysteries of Twilight. It's a show that's generally hosted by Kaitlynne, my much less competent co-host, and myself.

**Kaitlynne: **Right. Wait … Hey!

**beautyfrompain: **But no matter. You're our guest for today, and you're going to comply with everything we tell you to do, or get painfully tortured by unusual means. Capice?

**Jasper: **Um … okay?

**Kaitlynne: **Bloody damn fucking straight! Now, please, sit.

**Jasper:*sits on nearby La-Z Boy recliner* **So what's this Twilight shit again?

**beautyfrompain: **Twilight is a badly written teen romance novel by Stephanie Meyer. By now the whole thing has been converted into individual movies, and referred to as "the Twilight Saga". You and a majority of our other guests on the show are characters from the aforementioned novel.

**Jasper: **I have no idea what you're talking about. Who's this Sophia Meyer again?

**Kaitlynne**: Yeah, apparently no one does. Stephanie Meyer is the very uncreative author, but enough about her.

**beautyfrompain: **And more about you. Why the hell are you so emo?

**Jasper: **Emo? What brought you to this conclusion?

**beautyfrompain: **Hmmm, well, you came in here in a fetal position screaming the words to "Given Up" and clutching your head.

**Jasper: **Oh, yeah, I was just double-sad. Also, my inner demons were bothering me again.

**beautyfrompain: **Ha! Told you it was the demons. The Magic8 is always right …

**Kaitlynne: **Of course it is. Are those really "battle scars" all over you? 'Cause it's not believable.

**Jasper: **Yeah, you're right; I got triple-sad, and started cutting myself. The whole battle thing is just a cover-up.

**beautyfrompain: **Figures. And you seem pretty emo to me … Ninjas or pirates?

**Jasper: **Zombies are better than both of them, but only if armed with black flame, and possibly muffins.

**beautyfrompain: **Excellent answer. Do you like muffins?

**Jasper: **Of course I do. Well, I did. It was tragic that I no longer had a taste for them after I was changed.

**beautyfrompain: **It is. A vital question: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

**Jasper: **Um … 42?

**Kaitlynne: **Ugh! beautyfrompain, you're so unimaginative! That's not even a real question.

**beautyfrompain: **Is so!

**Kaitlynne: **Is not. It's a wonder that I came from your imagination at all.

**beautyfrompain: **Oh yeah?

**Kaitlynne: **Yeah! You're worse than Meyer herself, and you have the attention span of a goldfish!

**beautyfrompain: **Hey, you know I'm ADHD! And _TAKE THAT BACK!_

**Kaitlynne: **NO! ADHD has nothing to do with it, you're just stupid! You're _beyond _incompetent. You can hardly even walk in a straight line without my assistance!

**beautyfrompain**_**: **_Really? I'll show you incompetence! _Apperis Imediosis Tranportu!_

***Charlie Swan appears in a flash of green light***

**Audience Member #212091: **What's with the multicolored light, anyway?

**Charlie: **Wazzah! Where am I?

**Kaitlynne:*slack-jawed* **You did NOT just do what I think you just did …

**beautyfrompain: **HA! Did so. Who's incompetent now?

**Kaitlynne: **Oh gosh, beautyfrompain! Don't you know what you've just done?

**beautyfrompain: **Proved you wrong, that's what I've done! I'd even dare say Charlie looks just as awkward as usual.

**Charlie:*looks around with shifty eyes and fingers baseball bat* **Where am I? How did I get here? Where's Bells? That Edward fella hasn't kidnapped her, has he? Lemme at him!

**Kaitlynne: **Okay, so maybe he's fine. But don't you know the risks we're taking by having Charlie here with an uncontrolled vampire?

**Audience Member #71: **And where'd he get a bat?

**beautyfrompain: **So? Come on, Kaitlynne, calm yourself. If anything, things'll get _very _interesting…

**Kaitlynne: **Oh, alright.

***Meanwhile, Charlie had managed to wrench one of Jasper's cutting knives from the vampire's hand, and had gone into hysterics, wielding the knife above Jasper's "heart"***

**Charlie: **Who are you? What are you? What have you done with my daughter?Tell me where I am, boy! And explain the body glitter while you're at it – that's not natural, son.

**Kaitlynne: **Wow, he's smarter than Bella. She must get her ditz genes from her mom …

**Jasper: **Um, sir? It actually is pretty natural for me, and I have no idea where Bella is right now.

**Charlie: **What? What have you done with her? You're on _Their _side, aren't you? ***looks around frantically* **Who is your leader?

***Suddenly, Jasper got impatient and proceeded to shove Charlie off him, causing the man to jerk the hand holding the knife, getting cut his arm cut in the process. Jasper jumped up and was at the other side of the room so fast that no one even saw him move, distancing himself from the hysterical man. Charlie had been thrown so hard that the knife had been almost shoved into his other arm, and he was quickly losing blood. Jasper, never known to control himself, caught whiff of the scent and stiffened. Chief Swan's blood was much more delightful smelling than Bella's, and he found it hard to resist. Before Charlie even knew what was happening, Jasper had rushed across the room and thrown himself at the bleeding man, attacking him in a blood lust frenzy.***

**Charlie: **AAAAAAAAAAGH!

**beautyfrompain**: Ohmigosh, Jasper is _attacking him! _What should we do? What should we do?

**Kaitlynne: **I don't know, dammit! Um … taser him! Quick!

**beautyfrompain:*tasers Jasper***

**Jasper:*freezes stiff mid-suck and falls to the floor like a dead weight***

**Kaitlynne and beautyfrompain:** … Wow …

**Charlie:*shudders uncontrollably***

***tense, awkward silence***

**Charlie:*recovers from trauma and controls himself* **Explain right this instant, ladies, or I'll … or I'll …

**beautyfrompain:*sighs* **Or you'll _what? _Hit us with your baseball bat?

**Charlie: **Maybe.

**Kaitlynne: **You're on our show, The Mysteries of Twilight. I'm Kaitlynne, and she's beautyfrompain. We usually capture and interview characters from Twilight, a series about a group of vampires and a teenage girl, Isabella Swan. You're a character, too.

**Charlie:*nods head, oddly acceptant of the strange information* **Alright. And … was that monster of a lad … who attacked my arm and sucked my blood … was that … a vampire?

**beautyfrompain: **Oh yeah! I totally forgot that you were never really told about vampires, keeping everything on a "need to know basis". Yes, that was a vampire. His name is Jasper, and he's with the Cullen crew, who are all vampires, too.

**Charlie: **So that Edward kid, who Bella married … is he a vampire, too?

**Kaitlynne: **Ed-weird? Yup, he's a vamp, too.

**Charlie: **And Bells … She's looked totally different since she got married to him last year … like the rest of them … paler, more coordinated, perfect … is she a vampire, too?

**beautyfrompain: **Yup! And she might be more graceful, but she's twice as dumb. The Cullens swear they're "vegetarian", but, well, no one can really trust them to keep they're fangs to themselves, y'know what I mean?

**Charlie: **So you mean to say that my daughter married a murderer, and she's one of them?

**Kaitlynne: **Pretty much.

**Charlie: **ISABELLLLLLA MARRRRIE SWWWWAAAAAN!

**beautyfrompain:*surreptitiously teleports Bella***

**Bella: **Wazzah? Did someone call?

**Charlie:*grinds out angrily* … **Bella …

**Bella: **Oh, hi, Daddy, I was just...

**Charlie: **, DAMMIT?

**Bella: **But Dad, I –

**Charlie: **Not another word! You'll leave that monster immediately, and you're grounded for the rest of your unnatural life!

**Bella: **But DAD, I'm nineteen! And I'm _married, _for God's sake!

**Charlie: **Not for long, kid. Not. For. Long.

**beautyfrompain: **Well then! Looks like our time's up here.

**Kaitlynne: **And it's time to say goodnight. Next time –

**Jasper:*groggy* **Blearggggggh?

**beautyfrompain: *tasers***

**Jasper: O.O | O.o | x.x**

**Kaitlynne: **Next time, we'll bring out the Happy Couple, Carlisle and Esme. See you then!

**beautyfrompain: **G'bye!

***theme music***

* * *

_**(1) **_**Damn straight I just made a Death Note reference.**

* * *

**I've been reading Harry Potter. Can you tell? Sorry it took so long, but I'm out of school now (so I should be updating much more frequently), and the ending of The Mysteries of Twilight looms near. MWUAHAHAHA! Ahem. Review?**

**P.S.—I don't own Given Up by Linkin Park. Meh.**


	8. Awkward Moments and Cheaters Galore

***theme music***

_**Live from Alesha's bedroom …**_

**beautyfrompain: **Buenos Dias, my beauties!

**Kaitlynne: **And welcome to The Mysteries of Twilight! Again. I'm Kaitlynne, she's beautyfrompain, and you all know this. Oh, and beautyfrompain, can we please call you by something shorter? The Authoress is getting damn tired of typing the whole thing out, because she's lazy as shiz.

**Audience Member #9239: **How about Pain? It sure as damn fits you …

***Edward runs in screaming, grimy, scruffy, beat-up, and getting chased by millions of fan girls. Security tries to wave them back, but they break through and all tackle the vampire.***

**Edward:*gets dragged back to the lounge by the horny girls* **NOOOOO! I'm sorry! So sorry! What did I ever do to deserve this? NOOOOOOOOOOOO …

**Kaitlynne: **Oh yeah! I totally forgot we still had that sorry motherfucker locked up somewhere.

**beautyfrompain: **… You're right, Pain fits me. Kaitlynne, remind me to torture that kid later.

**Kaitlynne: **Right; then Pain it is! I'm in the business of misery, let's take it from the top …

**Pain: **Stop singing Paramore, we don't own Misery Business. Yet.

**Kaitlynne: **Right. Anyway, aren't we supposed to be bringing out Carlisle and Esme today?

**Pain: **Oh yeah, The Happy Couple.

**Kaitlynne: **More like The_ Boring _Couple_._ They don't _do _anything! Well, nothing except sit around and help the people who need help the least.

**Audience Member #073615: **Just get on with it, already!

**Kaitlynne: **Pain, we really have let our audience get cheeky with us, and it's getting out of control. But he has a point; we only have so much air time.

**Pain: **Right. Take it away!

***Kaitlynne waved her hand and points indifferently to a spot in front of them. A space tunnel descended from the ceiling with a roar of white noise, and opened, allowing Carlisle and Esme to exit from the Twilight 'Verse.***

**Carlisle and Esme:*stumble out of space tunnel***

**Carlisle: Wazzaggh?**

**Esme:*in her soft, motherly voice* **Where in the Lord's name are we, dear?

**Carlisle**: I don't know. Do we even believe in God?

**Esme: **I think so. That Meyer woman is Mormon, after all, so of course she would saturate her books with her own beliefs.

**Kaitlynne: **Hallo there, and welcome to The Mysteries of Twilight!

**Carlisle**: What?

**Pain: **It's our show. Did you just mention Stephanie Meyer and her Mormon tendencies?

**Esme: **Why yes, we did. Are you acquainted with the bitch? Who did you two girls say you are, again?

**Kaitlynne: **I'm Kaitlynne, and she's Pain. And yeah, we know Meyer. I'm surprised that you two do, because no one else in the Twilight 'Verse seemed to, besides Ed-weird.

**Carlisle: **Yeah, we know her. How could I ever forget the woman who _kidnapped me and threatened to smash my unsightly bits _if I didn't tell her everything I knew, which included everything about the existence of vampires and the clan?

**Pain: **Wow, that chick seems really consistent with that threat! So … it's actually _you're _fault, this whole Twilight bullshit?

**Carlisle: **When approached with the threat to fucking shiv my balls, I thought the world could take a little bad teen romance.

**Kaitlynne: **Did you or your dandy little psycho Alice foresee the bit where more than half the human population is obsessed with Twilight to the point where it practically runs the world?

**Esme: **The truth is, dear, we're all victims to Ms. Meyer's little game.

**Pain: **Easy for you to say! As for the rest of the population, you see the flaws and add them to your initial hate of the books, or you find them so ridiculous that the books are almost funny. Or your one of those indifferent bitches who just doesn't give a damn.

**Kaitlynne: **And that's we're we come in. As for us, we're a mix of the first two. The Twilight Saga is the one series we love to hate, because everything about it is just so unreasonable and unbelievable that it's laughable, and laugh we do. And so, mostly out of boredom, we drag some of the original characters here, force information out of them, usually torture them, and then sometimes maybe offer up both his manhood and dignity for sale.

**Pain: **But never mind that. For right now, sit your sparkly vampire asses down in a chair and co-operate with us, or risk getting fried by my taser. ***taser crackles dangerously***

**Carlisle: *pulls Esme onto couch***

**Pain: **Thought so.

**Kaitlynne: **First, the questioning. What the hell do vampires do all day? I mean, you have all of eternity, you aren't religious, and all activity we've ever heard of a vampire doing is hunting, having violent sex, and sitting around pondering the meaning of life. Assuming that not all vamps are obsessed with pretending that they are actually more than a talking rock, what else can you possible do in your free time?

**Carlisle**: Are we supposed to do anything else? Hunt, ponder life, have violent yet passionate sex … that sounds like the gist of it. Tanya sure does like it rough …

**Esme: **_EXCUSE ME?_

**Carlisle: **Hmm?

**Esme:*in a dangerously calm voice* **You were saying something about a _Tanya?_

**Carlisle: **… Oh fuck. You see, um, I didn't mean it like that at all. Of course I haven't been fucking that Denali chick. You've got it all wrong …

**Pain: **…

**Kaitlynne: **... And he inadvertently spills the beans …

**Esme: **You've been sneaking behind my back with that blonde bitch from the Denali clan?

**Tanya Denali:*appears***

**Pain: **Oh look, here's Tanya now!

**Kaitlynne:*facepalms* **Will you _stop _doing that?

**Pain: **No! Adding to our captive's self-inflicted awkward situation is something I find highly amusing …

**Carlisle: **Oh, Tanya! Such a coincidence, meeting you here …?

**Tanya: **I get around.

**Audience Member #902: **We know.

**Esme:** I should have known you'd cheat on me after I refused to pleasure you last month … I'm sorry, but you just don't do it like you used to, and it isn't my fault!

**Pain: **Um … isn't this getting a bit too personal? I mean, yeah, we love uncovering secrets, but we don't want to hear about the details of your passionate vampire sex and lack of proper performance.

**Audience Member #402934: **Says the queen of not-so-subtle innuendo …

**Kaitlynne: **Yeah, maybe we should -

**Tanya: **Look, bitch: Carlisle just isn't interested in you anymore. ***gets in Esme's face* **And if you can't accept that, I'm willing to fight for him.

**Esme:*glowers***

**Pain:*sighs and tasers Tanya***

**Tanya: X.x**

**Kaitlynne: **Look, we don't have time for this shit. Tanya was amusing at first, but we only have so much time. No need to get all worked up anyway … Esme, Carlisle, sit or shock. You choose.

**Carlisle and Esme:*sit immediately***

**Pain: **So, Carlie. We can call you Carlie, can't we?

**Carlisle: **Um … no?

**Pain: **Good. So Carlie, what the hell inspired this whole "vegetarian vampire" thing?

**Carlisle: **Well, as soon as I was a vampire, I felt like a horrible monster. The only way I could settle my conscience was by starting a clan that drank animal blood, instead of that of a human.

**Kaitlynne: **But think about it. The sort of animals you're sucking blood from are less in number than the count of humans that roam the earth. By drinking fluids from animals like bears and mountain lions, you'll make them rare over time. However, there have always been bad people. Why not join with the law and become executioners or some crap?

**Carlisle: **Um … I blame Meyer! I blame her for it all!

**Pain: **Lovely choice.

**Kaitlynne: **And Esme…

**Esme: **Yes, dear?

**Kaitlynne: **Damn, do you make a lovely mother figure. Anything _you'd _like to get off your chest? I mean, come on, you can't be as boring as you seem.

**Pain: **It's not a choice.

**Carlisle: **Calm yourself, lady! Not everything was to be violent. We can all coexist in a messed-up world …

**Pain: **To hell with you and your bullshit. Esme, don't avoid the question.

**Esme: **Of course not, dear. Well, I have taken up the X-treme Sports in my spare time, as much as I have of it. It gives a certain rush, the thrill of doing something dangerous. Of course, as a vampire, there was no danger in it for me at all.

**Kaitlynne: **Right.

**Esme: **And now, after realizing that my eternal love has been two-timing me, I'm starting to wonder if I'm interested in men at all. Come to think of it …

**Pain: **Actually, it'd make a lot of sense. What proper woman would be able to stay in a house with five hot vampire males, and stay with one sexual partner, not getting tempted at all!

**Esme: **Not hard at all; the lot of them is an effing pain in the ass. Y'know ***lowers voice and leans nearer Pain* **with your assistance, we could both be great.

**Pain: **Great at _what, _exactly?

**Esme:*continues on as if she hadn't heard* **We could both be powerful. I could make you one of us, and we could become a dangerous pair … I'm sure you would find my talents … ***seductively* **satisfactory.

**Pain: **Sorry, dude; I don't roll that way.

**Kaitlynne:*interrupts awkward moment* **Holy evil gremlin muffins! Carlie's disappeared!

**Pain: **Fuck, he has! Where did he go, damn it?

_**VROOOOOOM! VROOOOOOM! VROOOOOOM!**_

***Pain, Kaitlynne, and the audience hear the sound of a motorcycle revving up, and turn toward the door leading to the hallways, the view of a black Harley speeding closer visible in the window. Carlisle and Edward were mounting it, and a band of squeeing fan girls following close behind. The motorcycle crashed through the doors, splintered wood flying everywhere and dust filling the air as the machine circled the spacious room, making its way toward the stage.***

**Edward:*beat up and ruffled* **Jump on, Esme!

**Esme:*jumps on as the Harley comes around, grabbing onto Edward as the motorcycle crashes through the exit***

**Kaitlynne: **Um. How did that happen again?

**Pain: **God, we're losing grip. Remind me to tighten security, Kate. Well kids, it seems that one of our captives took advantage of our lack of attention and snuck away, somehow stealing a motorcycle and Edward on the way out.

**Kaitlynne: **Dammit. Ah well, what's done is done. Either way, I have no idea how they plan to get back where they belong …

**Pain: **Not much to do now, is it?** *kicks Tanya* **

**Tanya:*moans* **

**Pain: **I wonder why they didn't bother bringing along the Sue …

**Kaitlynne**: I wouldn't. Our time's almost up! Shall we say goodbye?

**Pain: **I'm Pain, she's Kaitlynne –

**Kaitlynne: **It's true.

**Pain: **And we'll see you next time on The Mysteries of Twilight!

**Kaitlynne: **G'bye!


	9. The Gathering, The Maker, and The End

***theme music***

_**Live from Alesha's bedroom …**_

**Pain: **Hola!

**Kaitlynne: **Of course, I'm Kaitlynne and she's the notorious Pain, and this is The Mysteries of Twilight. But you know this already.

**Pain: **Well, unless you're a dumbass, you do.

**Kaitlynne: **Today we're doing something _molto, molto diversi_ _**(1) **_today. We'll be bringing every Twilight character we've interviewed to the show, and then we're going to try to bring here Stephanie Meyer herself!

**Audience: **W00T!

**Pain: **Yeah! That bitch has some serious explaining to do.

**Kaitlynne: **Bloody damn well fucking straight she does. We have a lot to do today, so we're going to skip the mindless banter and get on with it.

**Audience Member #073615**: For once …

**Kaitlynne**: Pain, would you do the honors?

**Pain**: It would be my sadistic pleasure …

***Pain flicked her wrist to a spot on the rug, and a horde of Twilight characters appeared at the same time, loud and confused***

**Edward: **Oh God, not this horrible hellhole again! WHY? WHY AM I CURSED?

**Alice:*shivers uncontrollably and looks around with shifty, untrusting eyes, rubbing her Magic8 ball obsessively* **Crumpets … evil, one-eyed crumpets … unusually large … I can see into the future …

**Bella: **But Charlie, you're being irrational! I'm nineteen, for fuck's sake!

**Charlie: **Don't call me Charlie, and don't cuss at me. You'd think that a minor detail like "oh, my boyfriend's a vampire" would be something you tell your dad!

**Bella: **You said to keep things on a "need to know basis"! Edward loves me, and you know how overly protective you get.

**Charlie: **I'm just concerned!

**Emmett: **For fuck's sake, not again …

**Tanya: **Um … where are we again? Anyone?

**Carlisle: **Oh Esme, if we don't get out of this, I want you to know that I really did love you …

**Esme: **I know, dear. It's just that … _IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU! __**(2)**_

**Jasper:** OH NOES! ***bangs head against nearby wall* **NOT. AGAIN. DAMN. IT!

**Jacob: **Get away from me!

**Renesmee: **No! You know we're perfect for each other, deep inside, you do!

**Jacob: **Renesmee Cullen, listen to me, and listen to me well. We're never going to be together, because we don't work, I don't like you, and this is just plain wrong. Besides, what are you, three? I'm no Quill.

**Renesmee: **I can always act older!** *seductively* **And _please_, call me Nessie.

**Jacob: **NEVERRRRRRR!

**Renesmee:*tackles Jacob***

**Rosalie:*nonchalantly paints nails hot pink, indifferent to her sudden change of surroundings***

**Pain: *does a quick head-count***Is this all of them?

**Kaitlynne: **I think so. It _should _be …

***the buzzing murmur of the crowds grew***

**Pain: **_QUIEEEEEEEEET!_

**Everyone:*quiets***

**Pain: **Today, we are here for one purpose and one purpose only. Wait, no scratch that. We're here today for several reasons, one of them being our amusement.

**Edward: **Please, tell us _why the fuck _you find the need to torture us again? Haven't I at least been held captive enough, forced into sexual slavery for months, with no escape?

**Kaitlynne: **Did it ever occur to you that maybe _NO ONE CARES?_

**Edward: **Hmmm … no?

**Kaitlynne: **Then kindly shut up now.

**Pain: **You all stand before me with at least three things in common: You all know who we are, you have all been brought on our show at least once, and every single last one of you is an effing idiot.

**Everyone: **HEY!

**Kaitlynne: **Also, you've all heard of Meyer at one time of another.

**Renesmee:** But Jakie!

**Rosalie:*jumps up* **Damn straight I have.

**Edward: **That bitch has some major explaining to do.

**Carlisle: **Damn straight! If I ever see her again, I'm gonna shiv _her _balls! Wait …

**Charlie: **You'd think that even a scumbag doctor would know that there was something very wrong with that statement …

**Jacob: **Ah, Mr. Swan, you'd heard about the Cullen clan!

**Charlie: **Damn right I have! If I had know I was marrying her off to a family of bloodsucking leeches, I would have forbid her from ever seeing that Cullen kid after he broke her heart!

**Jacob: **How great it is to hear that, Chief. If you ever need any help fighting those parasites off, you have the protection of the Quileutes.

**Bella:*glowers***

**Tanya**: Imean it, guys, I have no idea where we are!

**Alice:*mentally disturbed*** Crumpets … Magic8 … ***twitches***

**Bella: **I'd like to strangle her, alright! Can't a spineless girl have any dignity? Why the hell would I accept a fool who put me through more pain that I could have ever imagined on my own? That makes no sense at all!

**Pain: **_FINALLY! _

**Emmett: **If I were to ever cross that chick she would wish she had never been born …

**Kaitlynne: Settle down, settle down. You'll all get a chance to get a whack at her, don't bother to calm yourself. Twilight, it's time to meet your maker!**

**Pain:*flicks wrist again***

***flash of multicolored light and a sudden burst of noise***

**Stephanie Meyer:*falls through ceiling and onto her butt* **What the hell?

**Twilight characters:*glower***

**S. M.: **Um … where am I? ***points toward Pain and Kaitlynne* **And who are you?

**Pain:*mysteriously* **We're your worst nightmares …

**Kaitlynne: **She'sonly half kidding. For the umpteenth time, you're on The Mysteries of Twilight.

**Tanya: **Oh!

**Edward: **… Bimbo.

**S. M.:*looks around for the first time, and spots Edward* **Oh … EDWARD CULLEN IS THAT YOU?

**Edward: **Maybe.

**S. M.:*walks up and prods him* **Oh my God … but you're not real!

**Edward: **Oh really? I'd beg to differ.

**S. M.: **But … I created you! You're in my book …

**Edward**: So we've heard.

**S. M.: **But … you just _can't _be real.

**Emmett: **Says who, bitch?

**S. M.: **OMG IT'S EMMETT!** *glomps enthusiastically***

**Emmett: **It's called _personal space_, weirdo.

**Rosalie: **Lay off my man, or pay the price.

**S. M.: **And who are you to … Rosalie? Rosalie Hale, the mindless bitch?

**Rosalie: **I'm not the only one.

**S. M**.: Well, I never –

**Bella:*slaps***

**S. M.: **HEY!

**Bella**: You'veruined what little life I had left! What the hell is wrong with you?

**Jacob:*does best to fend of Renesmee***

**Renesmee: **But we're soul mates! Eternal lovers! Forever-buddies! We're meant to be!

**Jacob**: NO, WE'RE NOT!

**S. M.: **Renesmee and Jacob! I would have never thought I'd ever … don't fight your fate, Jacob. It's inevitable that you two will be together forever. Nessie, don't fret, he'll come around. Eventually.

**Jacob: **OH NOES, NOT THE FATE!

**Renesmee: **And … who are you again?

**S. M.: **I'm your creator, of course!

**Renesmee**: …right. ***uses whiny voice* **Jakie!

**Pain: **Ugh, having all these characters here at once is making a hug problem. They're eating up our time with their pointless banter; we'll never get anything done!

**Kaitlynne: **Hey, it was _your _idea. I just supported it. All we need is a bullhorn to get their attention. ***bullhorn magically appears in her hands* **

**Pain: **True 'nuff . Muffin?** *offers muffin***

**Kaitlynne: **Don't mind if I do! ***takes muffin and munches* **Ahem.** *whips out bullhorn*** QUIEEEEEEET! Everyone, it's time to shut up now! Meyer has some questions to answer.

**S. M.: **I find it slightly derogatory to be referred to my last name only; I would much prefer if you called me Stephanie.

**Pain: **You wish. First: What the hell pressed you to put such a horror of literature into writing?

**S. M.: **I'm sorry, but The Host just isn't some of my best work. Blame the Editor. It was all Susan's idea!

**Kaitlynne**: We meant Twilight, bimbo.

**S. M.: **Oh. What's wrong with it?

**Pain: **What's wrong with it? _WHAT'S WRONG WITH T? _It's horrible! Nonsensical, utter hogwash, and a total waste of paper. What the hell were you thinking?

**S. M**.: Oh, well, you see, it's all on the site.

**Kaitlynne: **Site?

**S. M.: **My website.

**Kaitlynne: **Ah.

**S. M.: **One night I had a dream about two lovers in a meadow, and I think one of them was sparkling like a diamond. I was instantly inspired to write a book about two lovers, one of them being a vampire that sparkles in the sun like a diamond instead of dying or shriveling up horribly, because that isn't attractive or manly at all.

**Emmett: **And … sparkling is.

**S. M.: **Precisely. What real man shirks from the one thing that makes the world go 'round?

**Pain: **The sun makes the world go 'round? I could have sworn it was crack that did that …

**S. M.: **You say po-tay-to, I say po-tah-to. Anyway, I was haunted by the dream until I wrote the book, and then I sent it to a family member. She loved it and pressured me into sending it to a publisher.

**Pain: **Screw her. What the hell is up with the name "Renesmee"?

**S. M.: **It's a mix of Renee and Esme, can't you tell? I tried making the name as obvious as possible, especially the middle name, Carlie, which is a mix of Carlisle and Charlie …

**Kaitlynne: **Don't try to hard …

**Pain: **Okay, so what's up with all the pedophilia going on all throughout the series? Edward and Bella, Quill and that baby, Jacob and Nessie … It's all starting to sicken me.

**S. M.: **What's wrong with Edward and Bella?

**Kaitlynne: **Hmm… I don't know … one's over a hundred years old, and the other is seventeen?

**Bella**: Nineteen.

**Pain: **Well, she is _now. _

**S. M.: **But they're in _luuuuuuuurv!_

**Kaitlynne: **Right, and so a ninety-year age difference isn't sickening at all.

**S. M.: **Not when they're in _luuuuuuuuurv!_

**Pain: **Save it for someone who cares. And why is Jasper so emo?

**S. M.: **He's not emo, he just get's double-sad!

**Kaitlynne: **Sure. Why do you insist on inserting your beliefs into the books?

**S. M.: **I never did any such thing.

**Bella: **Yeah, and normal horny teens wouldn't even bother waiting until marriage, if they were that anxious to get out of their pants! Normal teens don't say "holy cow" or "holy crap," they say "holy shit" like normal people! This is supposed to be a young adult novel, for fuck's sake!

**Pain**: Also, why did Bella get so emo in the middle of New Moon? Why are you promoting suicide to young children?

**Edward: **Why did Bella have to cut herself with a rock during the "battle" in Eclipse, when she was already cut by the shards of rock that had come raining down on her moments before? She was already bleeding! What kind of effing sense does that make?

**Alice**: Yeah, and how come my future-telling is so inconsistent? I can't tell what the vampire army is going to when they actually do make up their minds, but I can tell when Bella is about to wake up! If a decision has to be made, then I shouldn't be able to tell when Bella's going to wake up, because people don't decide this sort of shit!

**Jacob: **And why do we keep kidnapping her? Can't Bella make her own decisions? Why does she go along with this?

**Rosalie: **And why am I jealous of Bella? That bitch ain't got nuthin' on me!

**Renesmee: **WHY DOESN'T JAKIE-POO LOVE ME?

**Jacob**: Dude, we've gone over this …

**Pain**: And—

**S. M**.: Enough! I refuse to answer any more questions. Send them all to my publisher if you must, but don't bother me.

**Charlie: **You still have a lot of explaining to do, ma'am!

**S. M.: **Not to you. Y'know, I never did like you, Charlie …

**Charlie: -.-**

**Kaitlynne**: Enough! Charlie's right; you do have a lot more explaining to do, and you're going to do it for as long as we tell you to.

**Pain: **Damn right. But we have an announcement to make – this is the last episode of The Mysteries of Twilight: A Parody. This is the last chapter.

**Everyone including Audience: **_YES!_

**Edward**: YEAH!

**Kaitlynne: **However …

**Emmett: **Fuck, not with the "however" …

**Kaitlynne: **However … we're having a sequel!

**Everyone**: NOOOOOOOOO!

**Jacob and Edward and all the rest of the Twilight characters: **OHNOES, NOT THE SEQUEL!

**Pain: **Oh YES! You didn't think we'd let you bitches off that easily, did you?

**Rosalie: **Unfortunately, no.

**Kaitlynne: **And right now, it's time to end our last show. I'm Kaitlynne!

**Pain: **And I'm Pain!

**Kaitlynne: **And it's time to say farewell for the last time. Adios!

**Pain: **Au revoir! Now get that her!

**S. M.: *Makes a break for the exit***

***theme music***

_**(1)—**_That means "very, very different" in Italian, in case you didn't know.__

_**(2)**_**— **Haha, did anyone get that? No? Yeah, yeah, I'm a dork. Don't make fun of me because I'm strange!


End file.
